Be-twitched and be-tween

Dear Dr John,

I’ve tried to be a with-it nanna but I’m not sure I want to be with what’s happening to our young girls today. My granddaughter, Hannah, is age 10 and in year 5 but has been giving my son and his wife merry hell as she has gone into puberty very early (they are shell shocked!), and is struggling already with self esteem issues and also friendships – she wants to be cool. In the last couple of months Hannah -

• has read Twilight and watched the film – her parents didn’t know.

• continually wants to go shopping at the big shopping centre - no money mind you.

• says she hates her life – puts on the sads – then her parents stress and maybe by their reaction have probably not helped.

• has read Girlfriend (with the sealed section on first sex).

• has been told how to login to a chat room, has registered herself as Sexygirl and said she is 15!

Hannah is pushing the envelope and her parents are nowhere near able to handle this stuff. And she has been mostly led into it by other girls a bit more street-smart.

Dr John, what’s with this generation of little girls? Why are they in such a rush to grow up? What can her parents do? Is it a case of personality and is the issue about empowering girls before they reach this age? Why are some girls so much at the mercy of ‘what the others are allowed to do”

Is it sane and normal that children in primary school have access to mobiles, facebook and so on. It seems to suddenly happen when they hit year 5 and yet in the mean time you have the boys still into wrestling and footy!

Dear Nanna,

There’s no doubt that kids are growing up faster than a generation earlier. Twenty plus years ago, when your kids were growing up, David Elkind, author of “The hurried child” was warning of the trend towards the adultification of children, in clothing, values, exposure to adult sex etc. According to Elkind this produces the pseudo-adult or the pseudo-sophisticate which in turn leads parents to hurry the child even faster so they won’t be unhappy or bored. Elkind claims that what this produces is what he terms as cognitive conceit, which in turn “may result in the dethroning of adults”.

More recently you may have heard of the author Stephen Covey (“Seven habits of highly effective people” etc). Covey claims that the pressures from outside forces (media, peers etc) are so destructive to family life and influence, that “to go with the flow is family fatal”.

Let me be clear that I don’t see a Doomsday deal for the family but there can be no doubt that outside influences are hitting children harder and earlier than ever before. What’s more children are developing faster too – they’re maturing physically, socially, sexually and intellectually earlier than a generation ago. So do you keep them off computers, magazines, chat lines, mobiles, away form peers? Do you home educate them to keep them safe and innocent or do you just roll over and say we go with the flow and God help us?

Here are a few suggestions which I know will apply to every parent with a 10, going on 15 year old girl.

Speak as a tribe! 

Let me share a learning experience for me, as a dad! A few years ago my third daughter wanted a party and wanted to have it with friends in a motel – no grog, no guys, she promised, just a rave and fun. When my jaw dropped and I mumbled my disapproval, Rosie said to me “dad I don’t know what the problem is, all my friends are allowed, you’re the only parent who has a problem with it”.

Even though I work with teens all the time, I thought I had lost contact with my own kids and went into a minor decline. The next day my daughter’s friend’s mother rang and asked me if I was going to pick up her daughter. When I asked why I would pick her up, Lara’s mum said “to take her to this party thing that you’ve organised!” When I protested that I had nothing to do with it, this mother’s words rang so true and loud that I can still hear them – “well, we all hate the idea, but as your daughter’s allowed to go and as you’re the “expert” on kids, we thought we had to comply!”

It was with great pleasure that I got off the phone and explained to daughter, Rosie, that she wouldn’t be going and when she asked why, I spoke clearly and confidently “because none of us like the idea and that’s it”. I had a tribe! I had support! I wasn’t the only parent who had misgivings after all. 

If we’re all boxed in with no tribal support, no neighbours friends or extended family all giving kids the same message, then the parental voice is very soft and unsure in the face of the booming, buzzing, exciting and alluring voice of the kids’ tribe. We have no hope of matching it.

So the message for parents is to link up with other parents - maybe Hannah’s parents could link with Hannah’s friends’ parents and see if they have a common stance that gives the kids a single, united and strong voice that the tribe has spoken – “we don’t like…”, “you won’t be watching…”, “if you want money for … then you earn it” etc.

Find the right tribe!

Hannah has strong tribal forces at work and she is trying to keep up, “all the other girls can wear…”, “all the other girls can watch…”, “all the other girls can read…”. You’ve mentioned Hannah’s self esteem problem, maybe she’s a bit of an ugly duckling trying too hard to swim in the wrong pool. Maybe she’s trying to stay in and keep up with a group that she feels in danger of losing. Remember that humans are social animals. That’s how we have survived as a species; for Hannah the fear of being abandoned and lonely would be worse than death itself.

Maybe we need to find what her best talents are (acting, netball, singing, dancing, dog training, art… ) and then linking her up to a group that shares similar interests and welcomes her talent. That way she may be happier just being Hannah and not trying to keep up to a group that may well be a misfit anyhow.

Maybe if she is in the wrong group and they are “off-on” friends, then we could use a time when they do treat her poorly or turn their backs on her to have a long chat about friends – what she thinks a friend is, what she thinks a friend would do for another, are her friends treating her that way, is it time to find the group or the pool that respects her just as she is ..etc.

Check family relationships

Where children have a close, loving relationship with their parents, particularly the same sex parent, then the peer group is not as attractive or powerful; kids are just happy being part of their family. If dad or mum is supercritical or busy or preoccupied then Hannah will look elsewhere for closeness and approval.

Maybe Hannah is in a wonderful family but maybe this little 10 (going on 15) year old’s challenges could serve as a wake-up call to the family to re-examine time and priorities. So many modern families work so hard for so long to give kids what they want, but the best thing we can spend on the kids is our time.

Check the management

Children also need strong leadership. If Hannah’s parents are buzzing around trying to keep her happy, it won’t work. They can’t change Hannah, they can only change themselves. As Stephen Covey puts it if you want things to change, work inside out.

If Hannah won’t cooperate with them, then the consequence would be that they don’t cooperate with her – on transport, pocket money, homework help, washing or whatever it takes to get Hannah back to the negotiation table – not punishment (parent inflicted), but consequences (child self inflicted) – kids learn better and faster that way. If Hannah wants money to keep up with the friends and “Girlfriend”, then she earns it with home help jobs.

Check the life style

Today’s kids are exercising finger and thumb muscles at the expense of the large muscle groups that provide fitness, fun and friends. Again it would be worth a family stock take to see how much time is spent on computer games, MSN, mobiles, SMS, chat-rooms etc at the expense of outdoor sport and games – not just Hannah’s priorities but how much outdoor walking, bushwalking, sport, play by the whole family.

Our kids may not listen to us, but they do tend to copy! You’ve mentioned Hannah’s sadness. You may not know that our endorphins are nature’s anti-depressant and these endorphins are released when we laugh and play and exercise – Face-book and chat-rooms can’t do it.

Start early

For the readers of Australian Family magazine, many of whom have young children, there might be the temptation to think that this problem is light years away. Don’t be deceived! The time to start getting the building blocks right to prevent the shock-horror “coming out” is now - good balance in life style, clear boundaries, healthy outdoor interests, lots of cuddles, having fun as a family … these things don’t start at 10!

I’m sure Hannah lives in a loving family, now our goal is to do a few adjustments so she loves living in that family.  If we can do a few of the above then we’re heading in the right direction. As some guru said, problems are just challenges in work clothes! I think that guru has never had kids!

by Dr John Irvine.

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This article was first published in the Spring 2009 edition of Australian Family Magazine.