Bully for you

No-one likes a bully – not even the bully themselves. These kids usually have low self-esteem and want nothing more than to fit in but don’t know how. Dr John Irvine talks about how to help bullies and their victims.

The only thing more frustrating than watching little kids engaging in aggressive play or bullying other children, is watching other little ones submitting to the bullies.

Professor Lillian Katz at the University of Illinois found that some basic behavioural interactive styles were evident in children as young as two. In other words, little kids who were brow beating and bullying others were likely to be using similar tactics when they were older. On the other hand, children who were submissive, cowering or presenting as victims were also likely to continue that way.

One of the reasons is that children learn about life at a non-verbal level - they sense the dynamics of a situation. If they feel more powerful than another child then they will probably try to exercise that power.

Research tells us that 80% of aggressive acts are successful. It also tells us that:

• 1 in 3 children have an aggressive style
• there are just about as many aggressive girls as boys
• as children grow older the aggression doesn't drop, it tends to shift from fist to mouth.

After the age of three the aggressive personality is unfortunately entrenched. In fact, in one study of aggressive adults, over 90% had a history of aggressive behaviour as kids. The aggressive personality often has clear and consistent temperamental characteristics, including:

• poor eating and sleeping habits
• irritability, impulsivity and a poor ability to communicate feelings
• mostly negative moods
• being slow to adapt to new situations.

Many bullies come from aggressive or hostile homes and aggressive children often come from homes where dad is absent or where mum is chronically depressed.

The good news is that from about the age of three children start to understand cause and effect. Kids can be helped to learn that punching, scratching, hitting and the like hurts others and that there are better ways to handle their wants.

The value of early intervention has just been shown in a large study conducted with K-2 school children in the United States. Two school-based programs that are finding success at the primary level have been published in the March 2003 issue of Developmental Psychology, a journal of the American Psychological Association (APA). One of these is a ‘PeaceBuilders program’ which teaches students and staff simple rules and activities aimed at improving social skills and the frequency of children's positive behavior, and in doing so changes the school climate.

These rules include praising people, avoiding put-downs, seeking wise people as advisers and friends, noticing and correcting hurts and righting wrongs. For example, students are encouraged to use ‘praise notes’ to pay attention to and reinforce positive behavior in the classroom, at school and at home.

Psychologist Daniel J. Flannery, Ph.D., of Kent State University and colleagues evaluated the PeaceBuilders program in a study involving over 4,000 students in eight primary schools (K - 5) in Arizona. Results show that after the first year, students in grades K-2 who had undertaken the program were rated significantly higher by teachers on social competence than the control students, with moderate effects obtained for students in Grades 3-5.

Furthermore, students in the program were also rated by teachers as significantly less aggressive than students in the nonintervention schools. These effects were mostly maintained for all students in the second year of the program.

The program’s success underscores the importance of providing preventive intervention services at an early age, according to Dr. Flannery. ‘The majority of school-based violence prevention programs are in middle schools or high schools, but there is ample evidence that intervening earlier in primary school can have greater effects on both educational outcomes and risk behaviors.’

Generally speaking, Australian schools have bullying programs in place where all children understand their rights and responsibilities to each other as members of a school community.

If you’re worried that your kid is either a bully or a victim, there are things you can try at home to teach them coping skills from an early age. One theory that suggests giving lots of attention to the victim and none to the bully can sometimes make for a professional victim, as this becomes their way of getting your attention. It also doesn’t deal with the bully side of the problem.

By all means give victims the attention, but ask them what they will do next time they’re being bullied, so they learn tactics and gain self-confidence. Sometimes you may need to role-play or practice the sequence and strategies so they become effective and automatic. Ask ‘what would you do?’ and then ‘what would you do if that didn’t work?’.

Many little kids go through a stage of hitting, bitting and pushing to get their own way. When this happens use a firm, sharp ‘no’ close enough to startle them every time until they get the message. It’s important to say ‘hitting hurts’ before removing them from the situation for a short period of time.

With slightly older children (3-4 years), you could start a special fridge chart with stars for every kind thing they do or every time they've beaten the temper monster. Remember too that children hit for the same reason adults do, when they don’t know what else to do so praise and teach waiting, taking turns, sharing etc.

When you see them getting ‘wound up’ then might be the time to head for something more soothing such as parks, water, sand, puzzles or a story. Music can do a lot for kids’ moods and you may find that behaviour changes if there’s a background of classical music or after something soothing such as being stroked.

With primary school children you can become a bit scientific about it – note the time of day, which kids are being picked on, where is it happening, who is a bystander etc. It could be they bully to show off, or it could be that they do it to a child who has rejected them or who may have taken their best friend. Also check if it’s worse on particular days and what might have triggered it – problems at home, jealousy or a particular food regime.

When we think of bullying we tend to think of physical aggression and associate that behaviour with boys. But it’s not just boys who bully. Girls can be just as bullying, but it’s more likely to be with words and with manipulation of the group dynamics, eg excluding a child, collectively laughing at a child or making snide or cruel remarks. Victims of such bullying need to learn to deflect hurtful language or actions.

Teach them assertion words such as ‘I don’t like it when you…’. It’s important that victims learn skills to handle bullying rather then looking for an adult to rescue them from each situation. As a family, reinforce the message that each person is responsible for their own behaviour.

If the problem is physical aggression you could try using one of those blow-up figures that bounce back when they’re hit. Every time a child starts bullying or hitting, have that blow up figure handy and they can go and push and hit the blow up version. Get them to keep doing it for a few minutes, over and over again.

The bully won’t like it particularly but you can explain that other kids don’t like being hit and pushed so if he wants to do it he can practice on that ad nauseam. You can even extend that practice if it’s still a problem to take up time when they’d much rather be watching a favourite TV show - the idea being to get all the pushing and hitting out so they don’t have to hurt people.

In her book ‘Let’s Stop Bullying’, Pam Linke identifies some common characteristics of bullies and victims.

Bullies    

• Poor social skills     
• Low self esteem
• Not good at problem solving    
• Are physically strong  
• Don’t understand how other children feel  
• Tend to be underachievers    

Victims

• May be anxious
• Low self esteem     
• Lacks confidence in group situations
• Differences in physical appearance or cultural background
• Behaves in a way that incites bullies
• May have difficulties with their school work

Useful books and websites

Dealing with bullying: Prevention and resolution by Pam Linke, Australian Early Childhood Association, 2009

Bullying can have a significant impact on children's lives, whether they are the instigator or the victim of the bullying. Early childhood educators can help children, and their parents to deal with bullying.  The book includes tips for developing a bullying policy at your service and information on how personal experiences can influence our reactions to bullying. It offers a holistic approach to dealing with bullying in early childhood.

Bully Blocking: 6 secrets to help children deal with teasing and bullying, by Evelyn M. Field, Finch Publishing, 2007

Bully Blocking offers practical advice to help children (aged 4 – 16) deal with bullies who tease, exclude, intimidate or harass. In this book renowned bullying specialist Evelyn Field provides parents and teachers with understandings and tested approaches to assist a child who is a target or a bully. It also includes a chapter on what schools can do about bullying and a supplement to help teachers apply the book’s practical exercises and activities in the classroom.

The Alannah and Madeline Foundation  

The Better Buddies Framework - creating friendly and caring school communities where bullying is reduced.

by Dr John Irvine

Dr John Irvine is an educational psychologist, a consultant psychologist, a counsellor and a widely recognised specialist on children’s behaviour. He is the author of significant books for parents such as A Handbook for Happy Families and Who’d Be a Parent? His relaxed and warm advice deals with the practicalities of managing real families in every day life.
 

This articles was first published in Australian Family Magazine, July 2003. Updated July 2009.