Emotional intelligence - the new way to be smart?

Have you heard the word on the street? Emotional Intelligence seems to be the beat! What is it and what does it mean? Notice your feelings and let your strengths be seen! At one time our IQ score was the leading measure of intelligence. These days emotional intelligence – or EQ – is gaining popularity as the new way to be ‘smart’.

Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand your own feelings, fears and motivations, and the intentions, motivations and desires of others. ‘Emotional Intelligence is an important part of what it is to be human’, says Karen Masman, a teacher, counsellor and Managing Editor at St Luke’s Innovative Resources.

In her role at the not-for-profit publisher and bookseller based in Central Victoria, Masman works with a creative team to design colourful and hands-on tools which help adults and children tap into the important things in life: personal strengths, self esteem, values, relationships and the many ways in which we learn and grow.

Referred to as strengths-based or conversation builders, Masman says the resources are great for developing emotional intelligence in children. ‘Being able to identify, name and communicate feelings, to express empathy and to notice and recognise strengths within ourselves and in others, are all skills that support the development of emotional intelligence’, she says.

What am I feeling?

Helping children to recognise and value feelings is an important first step in building emotional intelligence. Much of little children’s behaviour (or misbehaviour) occurs when their feelings threaten to overwhelm them. And because their life experience and vocabulary are limited, they often lack the ability to express what is really going on inside.

When a child says they have a ‘sick tummy’ just before doing something new it may be because they are anxious. Understanding that it’s quite normal to feel several conflicting and therefore confusing emotions at the same time is also important – a child might also feel excited about the very same thing that’s making him feel anxious. Learning about body signals and connecting them with feelings is a great step in emotional awareness.

The Bears is a card set of 48 cartoon style bears showing full body and facial expressions. Ask your child, ‘Which bear are you today?’ Whichever bear they choose, talk about that feeling and help them to connect it to a body signal. If they chose a scared bear, ask, ‘What happens in your body when you feel scared?’ Remember to allow your child to tell you rather than jumping in with answers or suggestions. It’s important to support, rather than discount anything they say.

What is it called?

Helping children to name what they feel builds on the skills learnt in recognising and valuing their feelings. Having a ‘feelings vocabulary’ can positively affect a child’s mental and emotional well-being, helping them establish a strong foundation of self esteem, confidence and social skills.

In his book Kid’s Skills, author Ben Furman encourages children to build skills and find solutions. For example, a child with an anxious sick tummy could name that feeling – ‘my jumpy tummy’ – and give that feeling an animal or character to represent it.

How do I communicate it?

Next we find ways for a child to voice their feelings and learn to express them appropriately. Understanding that all feelings are acceptable can help children develop strong emotional health which better prepares them to deal with difficult events later in life.

But it’s important to set boundaries. While it’s a valuable skill for a child to identify and name that they are angry they must also understand that it’s not okay for them to use violence as a way of communicating that feeling. Remember that children look to their primary caregivers for cues about how to behave. If you deal with anger or frustration in a particular way, chances are your child will do the same or something similar.

A Pocket of Stones can be used in play with children to explore what is happening around how they are feeling. Ask ‘Which face shows best how you are feeling today?’ and ‘Would it help if you kept a stone in your pocket to remind you of how you want to feel?’

What feelings do I notice in others? Being able to empathise with others is an important social skill and aspect of emotional intelligence. Help children open up and talk about feelings with the zany characters from the Koala Company. Ask them to pick cards for family members asking them such as ‘Which koala is Mummy today?’ (The Bears are good for this exercise too).

You may not agree with the character picked out for you but don’t over-react! Valuing children’s feelings is important and the exercise may give you some priceless insight about how your child sees others around him.

What are my strengths and what strengths do I notice in others?

A child’s ability to solve a problem with what they already do well helps them to build on their strengths and capacities. It also helps them to see the same or different strengths in others, without feeling demoralised about their own capabilities.

‘Often what we are taught is to notice what is not right or what is going wrong,’ says Masman. ‘Learning about what strengths you have and recognising strengths of others are invaluable tools that can be used at any time to find a solution.’

Place the Strength Cards for Kids stickers or cards in a colourful bag. Each day ask a child to draw out a sticker or card from the ‘lucky dip’ This is the strength to ‘notice’ today. Opportunities to teach children aren’t just limited to heavy emotional moments. In fact by noticing and talking about feelings and strengths, parents and caregivers can help children develop their EQ and equip them with skills for life!

Bun Bun and The Bears

Sue Mason helped her children, Claire, 3, and Amos, 5, talk about their feelings around the death of their pet rabbit Bun-Bun.

‘We laid The Bears cards out and I asked each of them to pick one or more bears that showed how they felt about Bun Bun’s death. We talked about those feelings then I asked them to pick a card about how they would like to be feeling when they remembered Bun-Bun.

We talked about ways that they could work towards that goal. We did this every day and it became a safe and enjoyable way to express and talk about their grief, and to remember their special pet.

Using this resource was a gentle yet powerful way of talking with the kids and really helped them understand that it’s normal and natural to have many feelings. It’s also opened up conversations about a whole lot of things such as what happens to you when you die and ways to remember those who die. "I feel I’ve learned so much from my children!’

10 resources to help children (and adults) develop emotional intelligence:

1. The Bears (cards and stickers): happy, sad, confident, afraid, shy, energetic, tired, noisy, caring, grumpy, and...well, you decide!
2. I Can Monsters (cards and stickers): especially designed for young children to reinforce learning and safety.
3. Koala Company (cards): cartoon koala characters for talking about feelings.
4. A Pocket of Stones: hand-crafted, ceramic heads, each one with a different shape and a different facial expression.
5. Stones…Have Feelings Too (cards and stickers): quirky, engaging, happy, sad, afraid, shy, joyful and just plain outrageous ‘stone’ characters who wear their feelings all over their not-so-stony faces
6. Strength Cards For Kids (cards and stickers): practical, positive, affirming statements and fun-loving cartoon-style graphics ideal for developing inner strength and building values for life.
7. Wonderful You! (cards and stickers): creative and fun ways of saying, 'Well done!' to the children you live or work with.
8. Mate’s Traits (cards, colouring book and stickers): help us learn how to build and celebrate our friendships
9. Kids’ Skills (book): a playful and practical approach to solving difficulties faced by children
10. Self-Esteem Building Kids Collection (available only on-line): A great tool kit to get started! Consists of 5 card packs, 5 sticker sets, 2 picture books and a colouring book.

Resources published by St Luke’s Innovative Resources and are available on their website or tel 03 5442 0500.

A range of puppets, cooperative games, picture books, novelty items and gifts to inspire and affirm are available from the shop at 137 McCrae Street, Bendigo, Vic and also online.

By Miranda Brash-Brenan

This article first appeared in Australian Family Magazine, May 2007. Updated July 2009.