Family flash points

Mum was furious. No matter how many times she reminded her kids, nothing changed. At one stage she yelled out, “How many times have I told you kids to come inside?” Back came a giggled “17” from the young offenders.

What would you put down as your most common nags? A straw poll of parents revealed the following:

• wet towels do not belong on beds
• the bathroom floor is not a dirty clothes basket
• fill up the empty water bottle and while we are on the topic do not drink direct from it either…
• food scraps don’t belong in your school bag…or your room
• why are you whining?
• hitting your brother or sister is not allowed
• the dog needs to be fed every day … as does brushing your teeth
• and why must there be an argument over having a shower…

When I surveyed kids for my book A handbook for happy families, these were the top 20 parent nags nominated by them:

1. Turn the music down
2. Brushed your teeth yet?
3. Clean up the mess in the kitchen
4. We’ll talk about it later
5. I’m sick and tired of your attitude
6. I just don’t understand you
7. Please do something with your hair
8. Be home early
9. You’re not going anywhere till your room’s cleaned
10. Got any homework?
11. Don’t talk with a mouth full
12. I don’t care who made the mess, you clean it up
13. Not now
14. Don’t you ever think of anyone but yourself?
15. If I were you
16. Stand up straight
17. Of course I trust you, but…
18. We’ll see
19. When I was your age
20. No

If you honestly hate nagging (be honest), then here are 10 top tips to get better results:

1. Aim your punishment at the action not the ego
2. Make it logical – connect the penalty to the problem
3. Make it sensible - a list of jobs on the fridge might save some silly punishment when you're angry and help your work load too
4. Make it inescapable - con merchants are bred in watery rules
5. Make it noticeable - some families become so negative that an extra punishment isn't noticed
6. Make it acceptable - if rules and penalties are clear and fair then the kids are more likely to accept the consequences
7. Make it respectful - insulting just makes them think about revenge not remedy
8. Make it consistent – if you handle it one way this week, make sure you do the same next week
9. Make it reasonable - give a reason and sometimes maybe even give a bit of choice on when and how they're going to fix things up
10. Make it private - public punishment hits the ego and they'll hit back to face save.

To be honest you’re better to work on consequences, not punishment – consequences kids bring on themselves (eg if they can’t listen, then practice listening), whereas punishment is imposed by parents, teaches them nothing because it’s not related to the problem and creates resentment from the kids.

The wily parent will often hold their fire and wait – sooner or later the kid will want a favour from you (eg drive me to the movies) – it’s a simple matter to say, “Yep, happy to…when you’ve cleaned up your room”.

Just remember that kids are a great comfort to you in old age… and they help you reach it faster too!

By Dr John Irvine

Dr John Irvine is an educational psychologist, a consultant psychologist, a counsellor and a widely recognised specialist on children’s behaviour. He is the author of significant books for parents such as A Handbook for Happy Families and Who’d Be a Parent? His relaxed and warm advice deals with the practicalities of managing real families in everyday life.

This article was first published in Australian Family Magazine, May 2008. Updated July 2009.