Hair horrors

What do you do when a minor confrontation with your child blows up in your face?

Recently my four-year-old daughter asked me to brush her hair. Usually this is a ritual that we both enjoy but this particular day had been windy and her hair was knottier than usual. Of course the hair and brush wouldn’t co-operate – neither would my daughter and we both ended up more than a little frustrated. Unfortunately, the scene escalated almost beyond control as my daughter worked herself up, crying and screaming, to the point she was physically sick. By this time I was yelling at her too, and in one part of my mind couldn't believe that it was even happening.

Later, when all had calmed down, the guilt kicked in and I found myself wanting to make it all up to her. How do you avoid such situations and over-compensating afterwards?

You may not be surprised to learn that the hairbrush is the most commonly used weapon in child abuse! That information should at least relieve you of the thought that you’re the worst or only mum who has ever experienced nuclear level frustration.

It’s easy in hindsight to see that confrontations with little kids are rarely the way to go – they get beside themselves and totally unreasonable and you get… the same way. And in hindsight again, I’m sure you have worked out that it really didn’t matter (other than for appearances and your pride) whether her hair was nicely brushed. And often in these situations, being in a hurry is the straw that breaks the camel’s back.

Confrontations like that over hair, toileting, dressing or eating can turn what has been good time together into something they fear and resist. As the knotted hair was making this brushing episode painful, maybe if it had to be done, you could have distracted her as she brushed dolly’s hair. Or perhaps it could have been brushed more easily after washing her hair in the bath that night. Of course, that raises the spectre of hair washing – a major source of stress and tension for some!

If she doesn’t like washing her hair either, then here are some suggestions from parents:

• wash their hair without soap a few times so they lose the fear
• buy leave-in conditioner or tangle-free shampoo
• tell them favourite stories with lots of expression while you wash
• play hairdressers by putting a large tub underneath on a table at the back of a chair; get them to lie back face up with a washer on the forehead and tell you what it feels like, in other words make it good feeling fun
• let them wash your hair first or share a bubble bath
• make weird hairdo's in the mirror when their hair is full of suds
• use a blow dryer for fun
• let them wear swim goggles. Some really love both the goggles and their image in the bathroom mirror.

But there’s a more general question you’re asking, isn’t there? What do you do when such little incidents blow up in your face and get out of control?

Being proactive is the key but it’s not always possible. Sometimes children have to be made to do things they don’t like, when they don’t like, because of things they don’t understand (time pressures etc). But being proactive means not making a confrontation over things that aren’t important for their wellbeing or survival.

What does it matter if they prefer to wear a clothing repertoire of two or three favourite outfits, or if you allow them to eat a limited food menu if it’s good food and means fewer fights? By having realistic image or food expectations, life can be simpler and more relaxed. For instance for fussy eaters you can have precooked favourites frozen and ready to go if it means they’re happy and the rest of the family isn’t restricted to fussy Freddy’s favourites.

If you must do something they don’t like, then just do it, reassuring as you go. You can even sing, tut-tut and feel sorry for them if you like, but just keep calm and get on with it so it’s over faster – trying to reason with a toddler or pre-schooler is doomed to disaster. They don’t yet have logic, they can only see their point of view – and remember for each minute you argue with a child you regress five years in age! So in five minutes you’ll be arguing like a five year old.

If you feel like you’re going to lose it and want to lash out, then just get out, outside. Just make sure the kids are safe and go. A scene change brings a change of act too. When you’re composed, rethink your approach or phone a wise friend who can think cool when the heat is on.

And as for your fit of the guilts, that’s prewired into mothers I think. In fact do you know the definition of a woman who carries no guilt?? The answer … a MAN!

by Dr John Irvine

Dr John Irvine is an educational psychologist, a consultant psychologist, a counsellor and a widely recognised specialist on children’s behaviour. He is the author of significant books for parents such as A Handbook for Happy Families and Who’d Be a Parent? His relaxed and warm advice deals with the practicalities of managing real families in everyday life.

This article was first published in Australian Family Magazine, November 2004. Updated July 2009.