I won’t tell you again…

“I won’t tell you again!” “I mean it this time!” “When I say no, I mean NO.” These are typical battle cries of the beleaguered parent faced with mutiny in the ranks. Dr John Irvine offers help.

How many times have you heard a passerby say, ‘That child just needs some discipline.’ Generally they don't mean discipline, they mean a good smack. They mean punishment.

Punishment is aimed at giving the child something bad, like a smack, to stop bad behaviour. At worst, it shows kids that it’s okay to hit when they're frustrated. But the research is clear that frequently hit kids become the hitters. And at best, it still does nothing to teach children what to do, just what not to do. Discipline, on the other hand, comes from a Latin word meaning ‘to teach’ and the best kind of discipline is the kind that teaches, not the kind that hurts.

Believe it or not there are hundreds of ways we can punish kids without having to raise our hand or our voice or engaging in hand-to-backside combat. Every, time we say NO to kids, every time we ignore them, every time give them the hairy eyebrow, we're in fact punishing our kids.

Time out

Perhaps the most abused or misused is time out. Its use and strength lies in the fact that it gives parents some space and a chance to cool down, it removes children from the scene causing the problem and it gives the kids the chance to get a break and chance to cool off too. It’s really effective in handling tired and attention seeking behaviour the worst punishment you can give an attention seeker is no attention. I've given it full treatment in my Pan book – Who'd be a parent.. the manual that should have come with the kids, but here are some golden rules if you want to make it work:

• generally time out doesn’t work for under two's – they don’t understand it. If you think they're overexcited or it's an over-tiredness problem, take them by the hand to their room and sit with them to settle them down.
• don't overdo it – if it's overused, the time out loses any meaning you're better off to set clear limits, have clear rules and reward good behaviour so you don't have to over rely on time out.
• always give the kids an explanation as to why they're spending time in time out – if it’s done in anger, with aggression, shouting, or humiliation then the kids are likely to think revenge, not remorse.
• some parents use a special think chair (especially for young kids), others stand them in the corner, others use a felt square that they must sit on (handy to fold up and use when out visiting), but I'm quite happy with their room – never with locked doors. If they can't stay without calling or coming out then they can have extra practice, at a time to suit you, not them, showing them how to go and stay quietly in their room, until they get the message that you mean business
• generally the idea is about one minute per year of age   many parents use the oven or microwave timer to tell kids when they can come out – I often use a "think light" in their room (yellow cardboard circle with pictures or words of good things they can do when they come out) so they don't go back to the same behaviour they were doing before.

Discipline example

Now let's apply a non smacking approach to an every day incident. Let's say your child has just bonged another kid on the head with his tractor. The victim is distraught and so is his mother. You're tempted to return the compliment so he knows how it feels. But here are nine ways to avoid the nasties:

1. Get calm: if you feel out of control either leave the scene or suck deep breaths as if you were on mental marijuana.
2. Take time: walk away if you're angry, till you've worked out how you want to handle it.
3. Be kind but firm: instead of raising your hand, drop your body down to the child's level, then gently, but firmly make your message easy-over - hitting hurts and he has to make it better.
4. Give choices: maybe just two he can either go to time out or he can say he's sorry the other boy.
5. Use logical consequences: as the tractor did the damage it's going away for the day or until he knows how to use it.
6. Do make ups: instead of smacking give the kid some jobs they can do to make the other kid feel better and get back into your good books
7. Withdraw from conflict: once the course of action is determined, no argument. If he starts to argue, either walk away yourself or send him to some time out to cool off.
8. Use a firm hand: not to hit but to take him by the hand and firmly make sure he does or goes where you indicated.
9. Give forewarning: if you could see the behaviour heading for danger, give forewarning with an alternative (eg ‘that's dangerous, please put the car down or give it to me.’)

Every child of every age responds better to praise than criticism. Make a conscious decision to notice and encourage all the good things the kids do, rather than pouncing on them for every bad bit of behaviour. You will create really good kids in the process!

Punishment principles

1. Aim your punishment at the action not the ego.
2. Make it logical – if they can't be home at the time they promised then they're not ready for the freedom of unsupervised time.
3. Make it sensible – a list of jobs on the fridge might save some silly punishment when you’re angry and help your work load too.
4. Make it inescapable – con merchants are bred in watery rules; if the punishment seems too hard after you've cooled down then soften, but don't disobey yourself.
5. Make it noticeable – some families become so negative that an extra punishment isn't noticed.
6. Make it acceptable – if rules and penalties are clear and fair then the kids are more likely to accept the consequences.
7. Make it respectful – insulting or bashing just makes them think about revenge not remedy.
8. Make it consistent – as the ancient Greek author, Plutarch said – ‘perseverance is more prevailing than violence’.
9. Make it reasonable – give a reason and sometimes maybe even give a bit of choice on when and how they're going to fix things up.
10. Make it private – public punishment hurts the ego not the action and they'll hit back to save face.

Smack-free Alternatives

  

By Dr John Irvine

Dr John Irvine is an educational psychologist, a consultant psychologist, a counsellor and a widely recognised specialist on children’s behaviour. He is the author of significant books for parents such as A Handbook for Happy Families and Who’d Be a Parent? His relaxed and warm advice deals with the practicalities of managing real families in everyday life.

This article was first published in Australian Family Magazine, May 2001. Updated July 2009.