Liar liar….pants on fire!

How many parents could stand up and say their child has never told a lie? Not many we suspect!  But don’t worry – it’s quite normal.  Dr John Irvine, well known child psychologist, author, public speaker and father of three, gives us some useful advice about childhood lying.

The good news is that naughty habits, such as telling fibs or taking someone else’s toys, lollies, money or whatever else takes their fancy, are common childhood traits which most children outgrow as they learn the rules of life.  In the meantime though, these situations must be dealt with effectively to pave the way for honesty in adulthood.

Of all the things to come out of a child’s mouth, lying is rated by parents as the most hated habit of children.  We feel hurt, betrayed, disregarded, disrespected and so very bitter.  Part of the answer is knowing why children lie, because that could give us the lead to the remedy.  A 12-year-old once said to me, ‘Parents are to blame for most of the lying kids do. They insist on asking questions!’

Do they lie to avoid pain?  Are punishments so severe that they would rather lie than tell the truth?  If so, check your style of punishment and concentrate on rewarding courageous truth.

Is your style of management over-controlling? 

That is, where the children must be good all the time?  These children act goody-goody and mature to keep adults happy, but deep down want to be baddy-baddy and very immature.  Their good behaviour is an act.  Outside over-control has left them with inside under-control so when the pressure comes off, so does the maturity.  What’s more, these children will often laugh after accidents or upsets to others as another way of letting off steam.  Naturally, if they get caught out, they will use lies to jump the gap between the real and the ideal.

Do they lie to avoid embarrassment?  If so, just watch where and when you ask them for some answers.  Picture the child who cringes and automatically lies ‘no’ when asked a particularly embarrassing question in front of their mates (‘you had a sore tummy this morning Peter – did you just need to do a pooh like I said?’)

Do they lie because there’s better pay-off in taking the risk?  The laughs they get or the status they’ve won make lying a small price to pay?  If so, look carefully at how and where you handle the lie and try and use reflective style back to them in private.  For example, ‘Are you scared of losing friends or hurting friends?  Is that why you tell me things that aren’t true?’

Do they have a weak ego?  Do they say one thing and do another and then try to blend the two?  If so, consult a child or clinical psychologist to help the children find themselves and believe in themselves so they can have some rudder in life.

As parents we need to impress on our children that lying is socially unacceptable behaviour.  With the establishment of strong and clear ground rules, most children will grow out of the habit and into honest adults.  Remember, don’t ever label the children as liars, or that’s exactly what you’ll get – we all live by our labels.

Checks

Is lying just a factor of age?  According to the book Why Kids Lie, right and wrong varies with age.

• Up to the age of four children see right as getting their own way and their reason to be good as getting rewards and avoiding punishment.
• At about ages five and six what’s right is doing what you’re told and your reason for being good is you won’t get into trouble.
• But it changes for children between six and eight, where lying hits a peak.  Doing what’s right is doing what they want to do and their reason to be good is simply what’s in it for them.  So if there’s less in it for them if they tell truth, guess what you’ll get?
• In the eight to 12-year-old age group, what’s right is living up to others’ expectations.  If you expect more then they feel they can deliver, they’ll lie to make up the rest.
• For older children, let their motive govern your management:
• If it’s attention, take notice of honest efforts
• If it’s to escape savage punishment or a court martial, handle the penalty quietly and respectfully.
• If fear of disapproval, lift the rate of approvals
• If it’s to frame others, work on the jealousy and hurt rather than the lie.
• If it’s to protect others, get you information elsewhere.

Things to look for

1. Look into areas of repeated lies as clues to things they’re not handling too well, such as school.
2. For children caught jumping the gap between their real level and parents’ ideal level, the clue is to help them bridge the gap.  Ask their ideas, get their opinions and their decisions on choices.  In other words, get them to declare their own truths; if they’ve made their own bed of truth, it’s much harder to lie in it.
3. Check your own habits.  Some families get quiet a buzz out of conning the taxman, salesman or bossman, and that’s one fantastic breeding ground for little lies.  It’s just that when our children do it with less sophistication we get upset.  Count the number of lies, fibs, exaggerations or black lies you use today and then ask yourself whether it’s just that the children are less sophisticated!
4. Allow children a bit of private space.  If families are allowed to have a bit of private space in their own bedroom or bathroom without a quiz on everything they do, they are less likely to lie in order to protect their privacy.
5. Work from the beginning to build up trust.  The more trust you give, the more bonds they feel, and the more bonds they feel, the more it hurts to lie.  But all your children will lie, so don’t get too carried away by their young efforts to handle conflicting pressures.  To be quite frank, from their point of view, it’s nothing personal!
6. If the trust is broken then the job is to work on ways to rebuild the trust rather than torturing them over the lie. Unless the stakes are high, a tortured confession wrecks the trust and gains little. In fact often, it turns little lies into high court drama and it can be just as costly.
7. If you’re dealing with a lie, look at eyes and body language for information.  Most parents tend to use face cues for honesty, but they’re the worst, because children are concentrating so hard on the lie that they can look just so sincere.  Look for twisting and wringing of hands and feet as they try to release their tension and get to know kids’ giveaways like avoiding your eye, defensive shouting, stretching neck, tightening or licking lips, forced smiles or flushed face.
8. With chronic, constant or serious lies, try to act quite naïve and take them at their word so they carry the consequences.  If they say that it was all Larry’s fault then respectfully and with a straight face organise to catch up with Larry’s mother straightaway to sort things out.  As you start carrying it out give them a chance to save face and ask again whether they might have had a teeny bit to do with it.  Once you’ve cracked the ice you open a floodgate.

by Dr John Irvine

Dr John Irvine is an educational psychologist, a consultant psychologist, a counsellor and a widely recognised specialist on children’s behaviour. He is the author of significant books for parents such as A Handbook for Happy Families and Who’d Be a Parent? His relaxed and warm advice deals with the practicalities of managing real families in everyday life.

This article was first published in Australian Family Magazine, October 1999. Updated July 2009.