Nobody likes me

It’s a heart breaking scenario. A woebegone child stands at the periphery of a happily playing group of children. Desperate to belong but doesn’t know how. Or your child comes home and says ‘Nobody likes me. I haven’t got anyone to play with.’ Dr John Irvine delivers some thought-provoking strategies on how to help your child form lasting friendships.

Their faces said it all - Damien, Andrew and Gemma were life’s ‘losers’. They had no friends, they were social rejects, untouchables, and if some ‘good samaritan’ kids tried to be their friends out of sympathy, the other kids in the class would give these would-be friends such a hard time for mixing with losers that it wasn’t worth the price they had to pay.

So there these three kids sat, lost and lonely, brought together by the primary school for remedial social skills but which the specialist teacher wisely reframed as ‘leadership training’.  They could have been your kids or mine, nice kids on their own, good with adults, but just didn’t make the grade to gain their life membership as a friend.

Their stories were very different.

Damien was an only child, had a good home, a good brain, good gear, was a top tennis player, in fact Damien had everything, except friends. His parents thought being the best would win him best friends but he was just too competitive and too big headed for the other kids who would tease him terribly, scrunch his hat, hurl his bag, anything to make his life miserable.

His parents told the teacher who told the class to go easy on Tony and that made things worse because it signaled he was weak. And it was no good telling him to steer clear of the other kids giving him a hard time because he desperately wanted to be their friend. His parents had put him on a pedestal, like a trophy, so he was too full of his own importance to know how to make room for a mate.

Andrew was friendless too, but for a very different reason. He wasn’t special like Damien, but his sister was. Carlie had Downs Syndrome and was a fair little terror. She was the happiest kid you’d ever meet, but she had great fun in destroying his games, his Lego, pinching him, pushing him off his chair, poking him in the eye, for fun.

And if Andrew got angry he was told to settle down, she didn’t know any better, and to just be thankful he didn’t have her disability. Andrew couldn’t make friends because he was angry! If any kid at school tried to go ahead of him in a line, told him he was out in handball, or ruffled him in any way he would lash out to the point where he could no longer play in the playground.

Gemma was just an ‘untouchable’. Her family life was unstable at the best of times and she was in and out of foster care. Gemma smelt, simple as that. She wet and soiled her pants and each time she was put into foster care, her mother wanted her back and then couldn’t care for her.

Your kids may not be as dramatically rejected as these three kids, but every child and every adult has experienced times of loneliness and friendlessness. Every one of us recognises there is no worse feeling in the world.
Most schools are realising now that kids who have no friends are at risk. Humans are social animals and for kids who have no friends, there is no social glue to hold them into life.

Friend making is a fascinating business. In kid’ world there are three critical components that go into friend selection and who kids choose as friends.

First, of course, is availability.

Kids need playmates so kids who are available or live nearby are oustanding prospects. But, as kids get older, other issues come to the fore in friend making. Now they tend to seek out friends who share common hobbies or interests (eg sport, music, ballet, drama, computer games) or who have talents that the child really values. For instance, if the child is shy and inhibited, they might drift towards kids who are bold and risk-taking. In other words they’re attracted to kids who have what they would like to have (personality, values, attitudes, possessions).

However, friendships are all about bartering – what has the other person got that I want or need.
A lonely kid may want to be best mates with a popular kid because they have what the lonely kid wants, but unless they have something to trade (eg looks, money, skills, attitudes) then they will be rejected and then either have to change their friend focus, or remain lonely and unattached.

In a great book for teachers ‘Friendly Kids, Friendly Classrooms’ (Longmans Press), Helen McGrath outlines the things that are turn-offs for other kids.

• playing alone
• hits or punches
• bosses others
• looks sad
• never says much
• gets into fights
• thinks no-one likes them
• says mean things
• poor loser
• doesn’t join in
• gets teased
• doesn’t share
• won’t play by the rules
• not good at sport

These are the types of issues being tackled by the social skills remedial groups springing up in schools as we take stock of the fact that the new technological age has done nothing to help people learn how to live together.

If children are to weather the social storm they need to know they are likeable, they need to know how to give as well as take and they need to know how to play because it’s the players who attract friends. Here’s how to tell if your child, who says they have no friends, is in a social stew.

Check

• Whether they’re stealing or borrowing money to buy a friend.
• Whether they’re spending their time alone in the outdoor play area, in the playground or in the school library.
• When you ask them for the names of their friends, see whether they can nominate several, easily and enthusiastically or whether they mumble, or mention different kids each time.
• Ask yourself how often they receive any phonecalls from friends or invitations to visit, stay over or go to parties
• Whether they’re being bossy boots in their peer play - if they are, you can bet that they have few friends.
• Whether they’re saying, repeatedly, that they have no friends.
• With the teacher if it’s a problem at school. It could be that the cry of lonely is just a ploy to get more parental attention.
• Whether they are fit and well enough to keep up. If they’re not then the other kids will pass them by because kids’ friendship is all about doing things together. If someone can’t join in, then it’s hard to be their friend.

Do

• Do give them time and space to make friends without interference. Try not to take over or lecture. We’ve all had to weather some tough times and we’re the better for it.
• Really listen to what they’re on about and then reflect back what you think they’re feeling (sad, angry, etc) rather than blaming, lecturing or focussing on the content.
• Help them problem solve a few ways out of the loneliness: what could they do to get kids playing with them. Do they want to be popular?  What do popular kids do to attract friends? What are the things they’re good at that they’d like to play with others? How can they make others aware of their talents?

Many times at this point I’ll encourage parents to use the Ugly Duckling story to reposition or reframe the problem to one that is much more manageable.

The bird was lonely because he was different. Because he was different, sometimes others laughed at him and he thought being different meant being worse, being unlikable. But when he found out what he was good at and found others just like him then he found that he was not ugly or lonely any more, he was a beautiful swan. The mistake he made was to try and swim in the wrong pool.

Let them weigh up the ideas and select those they want to try. If things are going okay then do some fine tuning, if not then together share the problem with the teacher.

If the kids seem happy in their own company then that’s a different issue. Some kids just like more time alone. As long as they know how to mix, share and have fun with other kids then they don’t have a problem at all. However all kids like sharing their interests so maybe you could hunt down a club or group that picks up on his interest in cars or computers.

Some find friend making harder than others but in time I think we all come to learn that the biggest ingredient in making friends is simply to be one!

Friendships Solution Summary

• F-ind their strengths
• R-eassure them that everyone is looking for friends
• I-nstil your confidence in their ability to find a friend
• E-ncourage positive attempts to make friends
• N-ever take over, buy friends or publicise their problems
• D-iscourage excuses and encourage action to meet kids
• S-hare your own similar experiences and what you did
• H-ave a talk to teacher to work on class self esteem
• I-nvite family friends with same aged kids around
• P-raise any success
• S-top any home hindrances (eg over protection)

Useful books and websites

There are now many good social skills programs for use in schools and at home.

Brand New Kid, Katie Couric.

A story that will appeal to readers of all ages - two little girls show true compassion when a not-so-ordinary boy joins their classroom. This book contains a winning combination of whimsical illustrations, a well-told story, and a vital message.

How to Be a Friend: A guide to making friends and keeping them, Laurene Krasny Brown & Marc Brown.

Introducing the dinosaurs who can help you learn about friends. Who can be your friend, how to show someone you would like to be friends, how to handle bosses and bullies, best ways to be a friend and ways not to be a friend, ways to settle an argument with a friend.

Let's Be Friends: A Workbook to Help Kids Learn Social Skills and Make Great Friends, Lawrence Shapiro.

This activity book helps children acquire the skills to make and keep new friends, including: choosing friends with common interests, reading non-verbal cues, and developing specific communication skills like inviting a child to a party or talking on the phone.

All of the above available from People Making bookstore. 

Friendly kids, friendly classrooms, McGrath & Francey,  Silvereye publications

Tools and practical steps on how to teach 21 important classroom and playground skills. Games and activities are designed to create a positive and fun filled classroom and to help students who are shy or awkward.

Thriving at School: A practical guide to help your child enkjoy the crucial school years, Dr John Irvine and John Stewart, Finch, 2008

An easy-to-read, practical guide is designed to help parents develop their children's attitudes, values and good habits and so help them become happy and effective learners.

By Dr John Irvine

Dr John Irvine is an educational psychologist, a consultant psychologist, a counsellor and a widely recognised specialist on children’s behaviour. He is the author of significant books for parents such as A Handbook for Happy Families and Who’d Be a Parent? His relaxed and warm advice deals with the practicalities of managing real families in everyday life.

This article was first published in Australian Family Magazine, July 2000. Updated July 2009.