The secrets of self esteem

Parents want their children to grow up confident, happy and well adjusted – and the secret to that is a healthy self esteem.

Leanne really wanted her daughter to have high self esteem. She not only believed it was the most important legacy she could leave her, but Leanne had suffered low self esteem all the way through school and there was no way she was going to let that happen to Katelyn! So Leanne gave up her job and totally devoted herself to making Katelyn happy, no baby sitters, no nasty yelling at Katelyn from dad to upset her - this girl was going to be protected from any of life’s nasty knocks that might destroy her self esteem.

“What’s gone wrong?” Leanne sobbed when Katelyn was eight. “I gave her everything, but she’s sad, says she hates me, says she has no friends, won’t try to join in, hasn’t had an invitation to a party all year and she’s devastated. It’s horrible.”

In mum’s attempt to develop high self esteem, she had developed high self-centredness! That meant Katelyn had nothing to give friendships, so she felt lonely, left out and had a very low sense of self worth.

There’s now a big back-lash in the USA against the old concept that you can give kids high self esteem by constantly telling them how good they are, regardless of what they’ve done, just as long as you don’t hurt their feelings. Self esteem comes from feeling good about oneself, and as we get older some of that feeling is reflected in the rating or respect or esteem others give us. They can’t like someone who is so full of themselves that there’s no room for anyone else.

Self esteem also comes from success - learning how to handle failure, how to overcome problems and feeling the reward of hard work. Self esteem is not something we can inject into our kids by empty praise and overprotection.

If you’re not sure of the level of your child’s self esteem, rate them against this checklist remembering that before the age of three, children have very little concept of ‘self’ so it’s hard to rate them on such scales:

• Do they make friends easily?
• Are they active and happy in their play and interactions with others most of the time?
• Are they happy with the way they look?
• Can they make decisions easily?
• Do they have energy in the morning?
• Are they interested in new things and taking initiative?
• Are they confident in tackling day to day tasks ?

If the answers to most of these is ‘no’, then your child’s self esteem may need some repair work.

CHECK

• Check that your head and heart are giving them the same message - not empty praise but real sense of worth. That feeling can be very confused by:
• parents telling them they’re valued, but never finding time to be with them.
• parents wanting kids to talk and share, but never finding downtime to listen.
• parents wanting kids to be happy, but never finding time to share a laugh.
• parents wanting kids to enjoy and do well at reading, but never finding time to share stories and books with them.

Check that you’re meeting their needs rather than their wants.

Their wants are for the weeps-as-she-wees-as-she-walks dolls, Harry Potter cards, Playstation, roller blades, designer labels and so on.

Their needs are for security, self esteem, love, fun, friends, family, trust, encouragement and respect. These have no price tag.

• Check that you’re giving them that feeling of security through strong leadership, unqualified love and clear rules, not from over protection and indulgence!
• Check whether you acknowledge their strengths, so they believe they have something of worth to offer.

A family that’s getting on with life, catching up with friends, finding things they enjoy doing will do a child’s self esteem more good than all the empty praise and over protection in the world. Clear rules and boundaries also help a child feel secure.

Focus on success, not failures:

• With very little kids, self esteem is boosted by the pride of becoming more independent, so praise their progress when they learn a new skill like dressing themselves.
• If they’re school aged, have a word with the teacher about ways to find something they’re good at and lift their status or success rate.

Kids with low self esteem want to focus on failure. Here’s one way to shift that focus, it’s called reframing. For instance, if they feel that everyone hates them, start by challenging that statement:

• “Do all kids hate you?”
• “What about Sam – he talks to you, doesn’t he?”
• “Is there anything you think he especially likes about you?”

Your conversation could then expand to talk about how your child thinks they are perceived by their peers – do they have strengths like kindness, sharing, taking turns etc? The next step is to work out ways they can get the other kids to recognise these things, and watch the reaction of their peers. The next night, talk about the tactics used, how it went and what they’ll do the next day to build bridges to friendship.

Challenge them to identify habits that might not go over well with other kids, such as being too physical, dobbing or trying too hard. Then see if they’re ready to do some habit busting – what different behaviour they’ll try instead – and have them report back the next night on how it went. For instance, if your child is an habitual dobber, remind them to ask themselves, “It this telling tales to get someone in trouble, or is it something dangerous that an adult needs to know?”

If they’re too young to identify the bad habits, then teach them by practising the right habit over and over. Teach - don’t preach.

Teach positive self talk skills if a child is using negatives on themselves – “I’m stupid”, “I’m ugly”, “Nobody likes me”. Some use challenges such as, "Am I stupid, or is the person picking on me stupid?" or "What if they do think I'm an idiot, so is Bart Simpson and see how many people love him!"

Find time to have a success-sharing time every night so the family can talk about one success or good thing that day. You could use the technique from the movie “The Story of Us”, every night at dinnertime the family have their ‘highs and lows’ session when each person has a chance to share the best and the worst thing in their day. Apart from keeping in touch and keeping the focus balanced, it also teaches family members how to share and solve problems and get new ideas if needed.

Use ‘magic macaroni’ by getting some tube macaroni, putting it in a special jar and placing it beside the bed. When family or close friends come over, ask them to write on a thin slip of paper one thing they like about your child (kind to people, lovely grin, makes them feel special, a big helper, hard worker etc). Each thought is placed inside a different piece of macaroni. Kids old enough to read can go to their magic macaroni jar, unravel a few, read the message and get the lift and the memory to shift their mood. Kids who can’t read can lie on their bed while mum or dad reads out the little messages that make a difference.

Self esteem has much to do with the esteem received from others; that comes from self-respect and respect shown to family and peers. It takes good teaching and good example to show kids how to feel good about themselves.

Useful books and websites

A is for Attitude, Julie Davey, Bantam Books, 1998

A little book of straight statements on everything from expectations and faith in your ability to fear being the worst enemy. Supported by cute animated drawings, this is a book that children can pick up and browse through when in need of encouragement.

Mind Your Mind: How to master your thoughts and feelings and be happy, Julie Johansen and Leigh Hay, Australian Scholarships Group

Parent information outlining strategies and techniques that can be used to practise rational thinking.  For children there are two cartoon characters, the Head Hassler (bad thoughts) and the Mind Master (positive emotions). Children can learn that they are in charge of their own feelings.

Self-Esteem Building Kids' Collection, Innovative Resources

Card packs, stickers and books that make up a Kids' Collection designed to encourage transformative and engaging conversations with children about their feelings, goals, values and strengths. These conversations are often vital in helping children to tell their stories, express their feelings and develop self esteem. 

By Dr John Irvine

Dr John Irvine is an educational psychologist, a consultant psychologist, a counsellor and a widely recognised specialist on children’s behaviour. He is the author of significant books for parents such as A Handbook for Happy Families and Who’d Be a Parent? His relaxed and warm advice deals with the practicalities of managing real families in everyday life.

This article was first published in Australian Family Magazine,  September 2001. Updated July 2009.