Shyness

Our five-year-old son, Harry has always been shy and preferred to stand back and watch other children playing, rather than join in. He is fairly sensitive, wary of new people and, since beginning preschool, has become very clingy. How can we help him to become less anxious about new experiences?

Let’s talk about shyness first because probably, of all the mistakes we make in parenting (and maybe becoming one was our biggest) nothing quite compares to the mess we make of shy kids. We put them in the social spotlight, ask shy kids to tell strangers their name or worse still, label them as shy. Not only is labelling them as shy guaranteeing them a life-long problem but, worse still, for a shy kid telling your name is like psychologically streaking in public... In fact so difficult and embarrassing is self naming that some cultures ban it altogether.

But not every shy child is introverted or withdrawn; some can be quite extroverted and use clowning or prepared acting roles to mask their people panic. It's also true that some shy kids might just be copying shy parents and even more to the point, there are strong suggestions that for many kids there are some shy genes at work.

Most separation anxiety and clingy behaviour is adult driven; kids sense our anxiety and feel insecure about leaving us. Overprotection signals to kids that they can't cope, so they never learn to trust themselves; they're caught in cotton wool that cocoons them like a straight jacket. Others have suffered under our constant criticism or comparison with more outgoing or successful brothers and sisters.

So what can be done to prevent and help a problem that affects about two in five kids?

• Take confidence-building in small steps. Identify what they've already conquered, and share ideas on what they'll conquer next - like saying hello, saying a name, saying something nice, listening hard and joining in.
• Make a game of shifting the 'I'm no good’ talk to the ‘I can do it’ talk, like ‘I will count how many I say hello to at this party’, and let them practise new things.
• If they can’t separate at child care and if their behaviour has you in an anxious knot, let them go with another mum or get your  partner or a grandparent take them for a week or two if possible to break the double bind.
• Don't treat kids as exhibits to be shown off or they'll really demonstrate what an exhibition is all about.
• When you have visitors don't force the pace. Don't focus on the kids at all until they've had a chance to adjust and within 10 minutes you'll find they're ready to make an approach.
• The big message is never label your kids as ‘shy’. Sticks and stones may break our bones but labels last forever.
• Remember that most of us are shy in new situations; young kids face new scary challenges almost every growing day so give them time.
• Much shyness comes from not being able to live up to or deliver what kids feel is expected of them, so it's worth checking that you're not imposing your agenda on their personality.

As they grow older and become more acutely aware, help them to find strategies that work for them. A practical example may be to put an extra metre between them and the other person which acts as a psychological safety zone.

Humour is also a great shyness diffuser. A shy medical colleague had a good trick; he'd face a superior person and imagine the look on their face if they were undergoing an inspection for haemorrhoids. Well,  it worked for him!

by Dr John Irvine

Dr John Irvine is an educational psychologist, a consultant psychologist, a counsellor and a widely recognised specialist on children’s behaviour. He is the author of significant books for parents such as A Handbook for Happy Families and Who’d Be a Parent? His relaxed and warm advice deals with the practicalities of managing real families in everyday life.

This article was first published in Australian Family Magazine, June 2004. Updated July 2009.