Sibling rivalry – the winnable war

Marie was in a bad way. She was as hoarse as a hyena with throat nodules. After a cup of tea she told me she had used up all her throat leather trying to referee her kids’ fights.

‘Tell me, Doc, is their fighting average, above average or am I just one of the lucky ones and don’t realise it?’ she croaked.

I decided to try out a checklist.

‘Do you or your husband have any favourites, because that can cause fights?’
‘No favourites, Doc, they’re both pains.’

‘Do you and your husband fight a lot and the kids are just copying?’ I asked, hoping for the big breakthrough.
‘About average, I’d say,’ she groaned.

‘Have you been feeling depressed lately because that can cause attention-seeking fights?’
‘No more than usual. About average,’ was her casual reply.

‘Do you have a general problem managing the kids?’ I urged.
‘Oh no. We have to yell to get them to do anything but so does everybody.’

‘Does your husband help out or are the kids fighting to catch his attention?’ I was now desperate for a lead.
‘Like most men he can’t see the problem because he’s not around enough to know. But that’s normal,’ she sighed.

‘Last question. Do you think you should go and get professional help?’
Marie just looked at me, ‘That’s why I’m here, Doc!’

The reality of her trust hit home so I smiled reassuringly and said that 99 per cent of kids fight anyhow and the first 16 years are the worst.

‘But, Doc, is 3 times a day worse than average or what?’

Faced with this demand for an absolute answer I did what many doctors do when questioned about averages on in-house matters like fighting, frequency of sex, pocket money etc – I thought, counted up my own domestic tally and then pronounced Marie average. She sat back, I sat back, she grinned and I grinned. We had both found peace in the knowledge that we were not alone. As parents we were both beautifully average.

Handling kids’ fights is an area even the best parents find difficult because there is no training, no reason and often no remedy other than 16 years hard slog. Because there are no rules we do silly things like taking sides, believing the loudest voice, asking clenched fists to shake hands, or screaming out no more screaming!

But all brothers and sisters fight. Sometimes parents don’t even realise that they’re part of the problem. Classic parental bloopers include:

• insisting that all children in the family are the same – they’re not and they never will be.
• being harder on one of the children – often the oldest.
• comparing children – especially school or sport results.
• playing Judge Judy in all disputes.
• presenting a divided, rather than united parental front.
• believing that winning at all costs is more important than the game.

Let’s face it, rivalry is never going to go away and a certain amount is healthy for kids as they learn to stand up for themselves. But too much and family life becomes bedlam for parents.

If your kids are constantly involved in skirmishes, it’s up to you to win the war. First and foremost, if your kids are involved in World War 3 and are demanding that you come in like the United Nations peace-keeping force to sort it all out, don’t ask who did what to whom – you’ll never get to the bottom of it.

Instead, focus on solutions, not the fight. Your role should be to give ideas to resolve their own problems, rather than solving it for them. For example, if your kids are arguing over which program to watch on TV and getting more heated by the moment, simply turn the TV off. They can turn it back it back on only when they’ve worked out a reasonable compromise between them.

With younger children, where fights are often over possession versus ownership of toys, make it a stated family rule that kids have sole playing rights to new toys, but must share older toys. Where it’s a case of only wanting what the other has, work out a time limit for each to enjoy sole possession of the toy.

With kids that tend to engage in hand to hand combat, it’s wise to have a ‘no touching each other’ rule firmly in place, together with stated consequences, eg both lose the Playstation for a day. Violation of the rule, regardless of the reason for the provocation, will lead to both perpetrators losing the privilege – an example of action and consequence!

Talking also helps. With older kids you can ask both to sit at either end of the table with you in the middle. Nominate the first one to have their complaint and the other must not say a word till the first one’s finished. Then, before they can start to argue back, they must summarise what the first one said. When that has been done satisfactorily, then the second child has his/her say and the first one must not interrupt and then must summarise what their brother’ sister was on about. It’s a fact that once kids actually hear each other it’s a lot easier to sort out.

Little kids might respond to something they can see. Draw two faces – one happy and one sad – and use blocks as currency. Each time the kids do something nice for each other, a block goes on the happy pile. But each time they keep fighting after being told to settle down, then a piece goes on the sad pile. The kids can see how they’re faring throughout the day. If the happy pile scores bigger by, say, dinner time, then it might be treats all round. If the sad pile is bigger then it might mean they have to make mum happy with a bit of extra help around the house.

Encourage the kids each time they play well together and you’re more likely to get see longer and longer ceasefire periods. A truce lasting more than a few days can be rewarded with a special outing such as the movies.

However, it’s also a fact that kids love arguing and be aware that they fight much less when parents aren’t around! Now there’s a healthy hint!

By Dr John Irvine

Dr John Irvine is an educational psychologist, a consultant psychologist, a counsellor and a widely recognised specialist on children’s behaviour. He is the author of significant books for parents such as A Handbook for Happy Families and Who’d Be a Parent? His relaxed and warm advice deals with the practicalities of managing real families in everyday life.

This article was first published in Australian Family Magazine, March 2003. Updated July 2009.