Sibling separation Anxiety

My two girls are close in age, separated by less than 18 months. This year the oldest has started school and to our surprise her younger sister is not coping at all with the change, especially about going to day care by herself. She’s rather jealous of her older sister, and her behaviour swings from the ‘sads’, through sulking, to clinging and crying. We recognise it as a form of separation anxiety but didn’t expect it, especially as half the time they fight What strategies would you recommend to help our younger daughter adjust?

To be honest I more often get the story of big sister being jealous of little one’s extra time with mum! I’m also expecting that by the time you read this, things will have settled. Some kids cope with change very easily, most get a bit taken aback but adjust, but a few find it difficult to cope with any change – not just in day care but in any change to plans, to timetables, to where things go, to who collects, to babysitters. As you were ‘surprised’, that suggests that your younger daughter has not been one of the latter group in the past.

Here are a few thoughts to help you with the adjustment phase if it is still an issue.

• Maybe let her see where big sister goes to school, where she sits, where the toilets and bubblers and canteen are – it helps her feel that big sister hasn’t just disappeared and gets her ready for ‘big’ school. Now is about the right time to think about that – any earlier and she would have wanted to join sister, but I’d imagine that now she has made a few friends of her own.
• You could also think about letting big sister come back to collect her once or twice and see where she puts her bag and meet her new friends. Maybe her group could have a siblings’ special time when all the kids in her day care room can introduce their big or favourite sibling – it all helps the adjustment.
• If  separating from you is part of the problem, then I often get dads or nannas or neighbours or best friend’s mum, if available, to do the drop offs and soften the tug of that emotional umbilical cord.
• As your younger one gets sad and sulky, can we change the dynamic by having a chart (she’s now the right age to start) with points/stars/stickers for each day she can tell something good that happened that day at day care? Maybe, as she progresses through the chart you could up the ante by having her tell two or three happy things that day.
• Maybe big sister has now found other friends and little one feels rejected – if so, what about older one makes some special time, such as straight after school, for play with her sister before she takes off to do homework or play with bigger kids.
• It’s a strange quirk of nature isn’t it? Our kids can’t wait to be together…. so they can fight!

What type of hugger are you?

Touching and hugging are vital ingredients in our emotional health. They make happier kids, mend marriages, tame tempers and short circuit stress. Not only that, but they feel good, lift loneliness, curb binge appetites and are entirely portable.

Each style of hug carries its own wordless message.

• bear hug - this is the full frontal wrap around perfected by soccer players and used by parents on young kids.
• hurry hug  - this is the hug of choice in a busy kitchen or wishing someone good luck.
• A-frame hug - this is the heads only touch for formal occasions or with opposite sexes who intend staying opposite.
• group hug - this is the specialist of sporting teams, rugby scrums and photos.
• sandwich hug - this involves parents on the outside with some little toothless terror popping up in between.
• side to side hug - this is the friendship hug, reserved for equals who like being together.
• heart centred hug - this is where eyes say ‘it's you’, bodies say ‘ like’ and arms say ‘I'm wrapped’.

Body talk is a funny business, arms and hands are public but beyond that it depends on who you are and what you want. So talk with your kids about out of bounds areas for touching (usually swimming gear territory) and about bad touch, good touch but please, show them that life is a touching business.

By Dr John Irvine

Dr John Irvine is an educational psychologist, a consultant psychologist, a counsellor and a widely recognised specialist on children’s behaviour. He is the author of significant books for parents such as A Handbook for Happy Families and Who’d Be a Parent? His relaxed and warm advice deals with the practicalities of managing real families in everyday life.

This article was first published in Australian Family Magazine, May 2006. Updated July 2009.