Sibling squabbling

Dear Dr John

Our 6 year old daughter seems to have got a bit too big for her boots. She’s nearly at the end of her first year at school and has lately adopted what I can only describe as ‘attitude’ – answering back, challenging our authority and ‘getting in the face’ of her 8 year old brother, resulting in increasing sibling uproar. While she seems to have worked out what buttons to push with him, it is niggling rather than a capital crime. I want to pull her back in line and remind her that she is ‘one of four’ not ‘one of one’. What do you suggest?

The good news is that the first 16 years are the worst! With girls the rivalry is often more subtle and more verbal, with boys often more physical but, either way, it’s all about power. Young sister has no doubt met some great little manipulators at school and learnt a few tactics that she’s trying out at home. She’s probably very satisfied at the outcome and the power she has to rattle big brother. But there are a few things to check and do to bring some sanity back home.

Check list

• Is it worse when parents are around? In which case they’re jostling for position and you’re best not to take sides.
• Is it jealousy based? In which case you’d be better off getting to the bottom of the jealousy rather than swiping at their bottoms.
• Is it just the normal bicker and banter? This is the healthiest way kids learn how to cope with life.
• Does it have a pattern? For example, always in front of TV, always just after school, always at the table, always in the car...probably all the ways I’ve just mentioned! If you can pick where, when and with whom then there’s your line of attack.
• Check the environment - if there’s lots of fighting and anger around then the kids’ fights are just acting out the mood of the house. Often the kids are at their worst when parents are too.

Do

• Encourage the kids each time they play well together and you’re more likely to get more of it
• Some parents of younger kids handle it with Duplo - have two piles on the sideboard or wherever, one with a sad face beneath it and the other with a happy face. Each time the kids do something nice for each other a Duplo piece goes on the happy pile. Each time they keep fighting after being told to settle down, then a piece goes on the sad pile. The kids can see how they’re faring, if the happy pile scores bigger by dinner time, then it might be treats all round. If the sad pile is bigger then it might mean they have to make mum happy with a bit of extra domestic help around the kitchen.
• Some parents send the kids to the same room to sort it out and come out when they have an answer, others send them to their own room to cool off.
• With older kids you can call a stop to their bickering and ask both to sit at either end of the table with you in the middle. Nominate the first one to have their complaint and the other must not say a word till the first one’s finished. Then, before they can start to argue back, they must summarise what the first one said. When that has been done satisfactorily, then the second child has his/her say and the first one must not interrupt and then must summarise what their sibling was on about. It’s a fact that once kids actually hear each other it’s a lot easier to sort out.
• However, it’s also a fact that kids love arguing and be aware that they fight much less when parents aren’t around! Now there’s a healthy hint.

One parent wrote her list of do’s and don’ts

• don’t lock two children in a room with one bar of chocolate
• do have just one child and keep him isolated
• don’t allow kids to cook chocolate slice together
• don’t allow kids near each other unless they’re asleep
• when you see two children talking send one to their room because a fight will soon follow if you don’t
• don’t allow one child to dish out the ice cream for another
• when all else fails don’t worry, that’s kids!

by Dr John Irvine

Dr John Irvine is an educational psychologist, a consultant psychologist, a counsellor and a widely recognised specialist on children’s behaviour. He is the author of significant books for parents such as A Handbook for Happy Families and Who’d Be a Parent? His relaxed and warm advice deals with the practicalities of managing real families in everyday life. 

This article was first published in Australian Family Magazine, October 2007. Updated July 2009.