Bullying advice

Dear Dr John

Recently I caught your segment on Channel 10’s ‘9 am with David and Kim’. I thought that what you had to say on bullying was great, especially your advice to child victims that you counsel on how to arm the victim and disarm the bully (or words to that effect). You also gave some suggestions for school communities. Could you revisit that advice for the benefit of Australian Family readers? Natalie. 

Dear Natalie,

Bullying is one of those issues that every parent wants to see eliminated totally from the school scene but that’s as realistic as demanding that children live painless and problem free lives. It not only won’t happen but it isn’t even good for kids’ resilience to expect it. However there are many ways to improve the school dynamics.

The facts are that about 15% of kids tend to be bullies, and about 15% victims… that leaves 70% – the onlookers who are too scared to intervene because they don’t want to become the next victim (and that’s a familiar scenario in society as a whole).

The first problem I see in many attempts to beat bullying in schools, is a focus on negatives… on the individual bullying behaviour rather working on the whole school culture. If you aim at negatives the best you can do is reduce it marginally.

The second problem is that no (anti) bullying policy will work, no matter how thoroughly designed, if it’s teacher or parent driven! So, put the students in charge! Do all students in the school understand the aims and values of the school, eg respect, forgiveness, integrity, compassion, loyalty, responsibility? Involve students of all ages in developing of a code of conduct that supports those values. The next step is for students to look at what peer support (eg prefects, buddies, mentors, representative council) they think will help self manage the code they have developed.

• what privileges apply to those who lead the effectiveness of the code of conduct?
• what penalties and procedures apply to those who flaunt the agreed code?

By mobilising the student body, bullying behaviour faces not just frightened individual bystanders, but the collective power and authority of the now not so silent majority.

There is one other common problem in bullying management. Too often I see parents go in to battle on behalf of their victimised child unaware that by taking it away from the child’s control, they deliver a massive blow to the their self confidence and therefore make them more prone to bully attacks… bullies tend to pick on the weak and lonely as easy prey.

Another common mistake is to contact the parents of the bully directly, without going through the school. That can end up with far more problems than it solves, often fought out in court! If your child is having a bullying problem, teach them how to manage it so they get the boost in self esteem when it’s solved. Don’t tell kids to ignore it, that’s too hard and doesn’t work. I often train kids to count rather than feel the taunts. By concentrating that way they have their head up and don’t present as a cowering victim. Here are some other tips:

• I sometimes get young victims to relate to something like the Batmobile. As the bullying begins, they have to squeeze a squash ball in their pocket, and as they do, they imagine the bat shield coming over, then all the barbs bounce off and they just steer their way out of danger
• For more assertive kids I’ll get them to practise saying firmly and clearly something like ‘Stop. Leave me alone’
• Of course victims can make it easier on themselves environmentally – stick with friends, play in a different area, play nearer the teacher, spend playground time in the library, and generally avoid bully territory
• If much of the bullying has to do with the aura the victim is transmitting, that is their body language says ‘I’m inferior, pick on me!’ Sometimes I’ll get the kids to take up Karate or Zen Bu Khan or some other self confidence building activity, not so they can hit back, but so their body language gives out much more confident signals
• One disarming technique is called fogging; instead of getting defensive and aggressive when teased, the kids can just agree with the bully, yes they are stupid, yes they are dumb. It’s a hard one for bullies to handle
• More and more schools are involving a buddy system. Here an older child is teamed up with a younger one to support and advise. Kids feel much easier about telling their buddy they’re being bullied than telling a teacher

The best answer is not only to arm the victim and disarm the bully but to get the 70% of onlookers who see and hear it but do nothing about it to take a stand.

Dr John Irvine is an educational psychologist, a consultant psychologist, a counsellor and a widely recognised specialist on children’s behaviour. He is the author of significant books for parents such as A Handbook for Happy Families and Who’d Be a Parent? His relaxed and warm advice deals with the practicalities of managing real families in every day life. 
 

This article was first published in Australian Family Magazine, November 2006. Updated July 2009.